We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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