I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
