First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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