I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
