One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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