You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
