I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
