if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
