How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They have beer where we have blood.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
