i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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