Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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