why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
