My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
