I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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