i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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