Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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