bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
