I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
