I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I supernannyed him into submission
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
