Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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