as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
