So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
