The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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