I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
