he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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