Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
