I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Boobs are out for the taking
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
