is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
