I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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