ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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