i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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