it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
