The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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