I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
