I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
