I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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