I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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