Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was born a porn star she said
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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