stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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