and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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