I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
