i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize