the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize