my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize