just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
