If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
