so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
