When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
