sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
