mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
