so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
