I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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