I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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