Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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