im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
