I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
