Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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