it wasn't lemon gatorade
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
