WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
