just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
