omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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