how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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