I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
