i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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